After The Storm....

It's been ten months today. I am still amazed by the peace and love that Christ is granting me. I have met so many people over the last several months that have lost their spouse too and if not a spouse, someone they loved dearly. Although I would not wish this upon anyone, it is good that I have met people who understand me and I them. I never really knew pain before last March. At least not this kind of pain. I still have my ups and downs, but I find myself smiling more than crying. Someone once described the experience of death like the waves of the ocean. I would agree. This is what my ocean looks like:

In the beginning it was a hurricane and I constantly took one beating wave after the next. I grasped for air in between each wave, but they were so close together I was barely surviving. I wondered how long I could put up this fight. I had never been so tired before in all my life. The hurricane subsided, but the waves were still raging. I was grasping more air, but my body was tired of fighting. I wondered if the storm would ever calm and how long it would take. The storm is calming, but I can see dark clouds moving in and another bad storm is on the way (anniversary, holidays, birthday). I can see it coming so I must prepare. It wasn't as bad as I expected, I cleared that wave only to be knocked down the next day by the one I didn't see coming (a song on the radio, your name on a piece of mail, the message someone left for you). The storms are growing further and further apart and a big wave still hits me every now and then, but I am learning how to ride it out and eventually I will make it to shore. I will look back at the ocean that gave me the beating of my life only to see the most beautiful sunset that could ever exist.

I know God has great plans for me. My God was with me then, my God is with me now, my God is with me always :)

It's Nice to Meet You 2011

I have long awaited the arrival of 2011 for many reasons. Although 2010 did bring some good things, those good things are in the background and the bad is in the forefront of my memory. I had a friend tell me that it will blow me away when I am no longer counting the days, but the years that separate Matt and I. I looked up the definition of grief once and the best description was "the intense pain and emotions of losing someone you love". I assure you that grief is more than intense pain, grief is indescribable, but coming from someone who has experience, I will sum it up with one sentence: It is the death of who you once were and the birth of who you will become. I describe it this way because grief is so deep and painful in every form and fashion that you could imagine that no one who experiences it could ever come out of it the same. It can make you stronger or it can destroy you....I'm pretty sure there is no in between.