Honesty isn't always Pretty

I shared this with one of my closest friends months ago:

I wish that I could tell you that I've taken this pain and turned it around only for the good but if I'm being honest I've done some really stupid things. It's strange how you will do anything to stop the pain for just a moment. The truth that I've come to realize is that it doesn't matter what I've been through or what I am going through, it doesn't provide me with an excuse to do whatever I please to stop the hurt. It's kind of crazy how some people will give me a pass because of it, but as a Christian, I know that my circumstances do not provide me with a pass for sin. There is no pass for that! You know I've been mad, sad, depressed, confused, I could go on and on, but I am not so blinded by this that I can't see what God has done for me. I may be beaten, but I am not destroyed. I can't see the master piece, but I know it's being painted. I have had days where I have refused to get on my knees and I have had days where I can't get up off of them. God' love is powerful and amazing. Most days I can't figure out where I fit in with this world, but the important thing is that I know exactly where I fit in with God. I LOVE GOD and I know HE LOVES ME and that's all I really need to know right now.

Honesty isn't always pretty...

I Feel Like David

I was reading in Psalm 13 this morning and realized I feel like David and I are kindred spirits.

(1) How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? (2) How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

So many times I have felt like God was hiding his face from me, but the truth is that when I feel this way, it is me that's doing the hiding. Amazingly like always when I quit hiding my face from him, I can see all that he has done and is continuing to do in my life and those around me. David goes on to say:

(3) Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; (4) my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

I wonder if David was just merely stating his thoughts or demanding an answer from God. For me, I have often demanded for God to give me an answer. Why God Why? The more time passes, I don't think I really need to know the answer to this question, and if I keep searching I will never find it. I think even if he told me why, it wouldn't be a good enough reason to satisfy me. Sound selfish? It should, because it is selfish. Out of my love for Matt, no where in my plan of things would he ever be separated from me. I allowed the enemy triumph over me for a couple of months, but I have drawn closer to God within the last several months than I have ever been before. It took me a little while to realize that it is not 'my plans' that I should be living for. As I have learned, 'my plans' can be forever altered. God's plans are so much better than any I could ever develop on my own. I have a peace inside that has brought happiness to me. I am being honest when I admit that this is a huge struggle for me to overcome. I sometimes feel guilty for the happiness, but I know that it has been given to my by Christ himself. Why should I feel guilty? Isn't this what I prayed for and continue to pray for? God has so graciously wrapped his arms around me so that I can feel him. So like David:

(5) But I will trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. (6) I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

After The Storm....

It's been ten months today. I am still amazed by the peace and love that Christ is granting me. I have met so many people over the last several months that have lost their spouse too and if not a spouse, someone they loved dearly. Although I would not wish this upon anyone, it is good that I have met people who understand me and I them. I never really knew pain before last March. At least not this kind of pain. I still have my ups and downs, but I find myself smiling more than crying. Someone once described the experience of death like the waves of the ocean. I would agree. This is what my ocean looks like:

In the beginning it was a hurricane and I constantly took one beating wave after the next. I grasped for air in between each wave, but they were so close together I was barely surviving. I wondered how long I could put up this fight. I had never been so tired before in all my life. The hurricane subsided, but the waves were still raging. I was grasping more air, but my body was tired of fighting. I wondered if the storm would ever calm and how long it would take. The storm is calming, but I can see dark clouds moving in and another bad storm is on the way (anniversary, holidays, birthday). I can see it coming so I must prepare. It wasn't as bad as I expected, I cleared that wave only to be knocked down the next day by the one I didn't see coming (a song on the radio, your name on a piece of mail, the message someone left for you). The storms are growing further and further apart and a big wave still hits me every now and then, but I am learning how to ride it out and eventually I will make it to shore. I will look back at the ocean that gave me the beating of my life only to see the most beautiful sunset that could ever exist.

I know God has great plans for me. My God was with me then, my God is with me now, my God is with me always :)

It's Nice to Meet You 2011

I have long awaited the arrival of 2011 for many reasons. Although 2010 did bring some good things, those good things are in the background and the bad is in the forefront of my memory. I had a friend tell me that it will blow me away when I am no longer counting the days, but the years that separate Matt and I. I looked up the definition of grief once and the best description was "the intense pain and emotions of losing someone you love". I assure you that grief is more than intense pain, grief is indescribable, but coming from someone who has experience, I will sum it up with one sentence: It is the death of who you once were and the birth of who you will become. I describe it this way because grief is so deep and painful in every form and fashion that you could imagine that no one who experiences it could ever come out of it the same. It can make you stronger or it can destroy you....I'm pretty sure there is no in between.

Livin Life and Makin Choices

I've had alot on my mind these past few weeks and to be honest most everything on it was painful. It has been over 6 months since I lost my best friend and husband Matt and that was difficult to deal with. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Matt, but there is something about knowing I've lived six months without him that tears me up inside. As hard as it was, I have wonderful memories that flow through me that make me smile, laugh, and cry. I pray that I never forget these things and I believe that I never will. I think my precious memories are a gift from God, a gift that he will not take away from me. A gift that I will treasure all the days of my life. I've lost my focus over the last couple of months and I'm trying hard to regain it. Sometimes I forget that my reason for living is not about me, but merely I am a voice and a witness for Jesus.
Other unmentionable things occurred last week as well that left me confused and hurt by a friend. It's truly amazing how fast bad news can travel. When I say bad news, what I'm really saying is false information. For the first time in months, I allowed myself to trust and now that the trust is broken, I've put up a wall of protection again. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Regardless, I was having a conversation with some friends and we were talking about God's grace and ever so clear I heard God say to me, "I show you grace and compassion when you do not deserve it." That was Sunday, and Sunday I was so mad and hurt, so to hear God say that to me, I was like "Really God, Really? You want me to show grace and compassion to those who do not deserve it? After all this?" I was shocked and speechless. The mental debate I had with myself to believe it or not is almost comical now. The truth is, it doesn't matter what really happened or what was really said. When you choose to forgive someone, you either forgive them or you don't. There is no in between. I made the decision to show grace and compassion out of obedience to God before I ever heard my friend's side of the story. I chose to forgive.