Honesty isn't always Pretty

I shared this with one of my closest friends months ago:

I wish that I could tell you that I've taken this pain and turned it around only for the good but if I'm being honest I've done some really stupid things. It's strange how you will do anything to stop the pain for just a moment. The truth that I've come to realize is that it doesn't matter what I've been through or what I am going through, it doesn't provide me with an excuse to do whatever I please to stop the hurt. It's kind of crazy how some people will give me a pass because of it, but as a Christian, I know that my circumstances do not provide me with a pass for sin. There is no pass for that! You know I've been mad, sad, depressed, confused, I could go on and on, but I am not so blinded by this that I can't see what God has done for me. I may be beaten, but I am not destroyed. I can't see the master piece, but I know it's being painted. I have had days where I have refused to get on my knees and I have had days where I can't get up off of them. God' love is powerful and amazing. Most days I can't figure out where I fit in with this world, but the important thing is that I know exactly where I fit in with God. I LOVE GOD and I know HE LOVES ME and that's all I really need to know right now.

Honesty isn't always pretty...

I Feel Like David

I was reading in Psalm 13 this morning and realized I feel like David and I are kindred spirits.

(1) How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? (2) How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

So many times I have felt like God was hiding his face from me, but the truth is that when I feel this way, it is me that's doing the hiding. Amazingly like always when I quit hiding my face from him, I can see all that he has done and is continuing to do in my life and those around me. David goes on to say:

(3) Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; (4) my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

I wonder if David was just merely stating his thoughts or demanding an answer from God. For me, I have often demanded for God to give me an answer. Why God Why? The more time passes, I don't think I really need to know the answer to this question, and if I keep searching I will never find it. I think even if he told me why, it wouldn't be a good enough reason to satisfy me. Sound selfish? It should, because it is selfish. Out of my love for Matt, no where in my plan of things would he ever be separated from me. I allowed the enemy triumph over me for a couple of months, but I have drawn closer to God within the last several months than I have ever been before. It took me a little while to realize that it is not 'my plans' that I should be living for. As I have learned, 'my plans' can be forever altered. God's plans are so much better than any I could ever develop on my own. I have a peace inside that has brought happiness to me. I am being honest when I admit that this is a huge struggle for me to overcome. I sometimes feel guilty for the happiness, but I know that it has been given to my by Christ himself. Why should I feel guilty? Isn't this what I prayed for and continue to pray for? God has so graciously wrapped his arms around me so that I can feel him. So like David:

(5) But I will trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. (6) I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

After The Storm....

It's been ten months today. I am still amazed by the peace and love that Christ is granting me. I have met so many people over the last several months that have lost their spouse too and if not a spouse, someone they loved dearly. Although I would not wish this upon anyone, it is good that I have met people who understand me and I them. I never really knew pain before last March. At least not this kind of pain. I still have my ups and downs, but I find myself smiling more than crying. Someone once described the experience of death like the waves of the ocean. I would agree. This is what my ocean looks like:

In the beginning it was a hurricane and I constantly took one beating wave after the next. I grasped for air in between each wave, but they were so close together I was barely surviving. I wondered how long I could put up this fight. I had never been so tired before in all my life. The hurricane subsided, but the waves were still raging. I was grasping more air, but my body was tired of fighting. I wondered if the storm would ever calm and how long it would take. The storm is calming, but I can see dark clouds moving in and another bad storm is on the way (anniversary, holidays, birthday). I can see it coming so I must prepare. It wasn't as bad as I expected, I cleared that wave only to be knocked down the next day by the one I didn't see coming (a song on the radio, your name on a piece of mail, the message someone left for you). The storms are growing further and further apart and a big wave still hits me every now and then, but I am learning how to ride it out and eventually I will make it to shore. I will look back at the ocean that gave me the beating of my life only to see the most beautiful sunset that could ever exist.

I know God has great plans for me. My God was with me then, my God is with me now, my God is with me always :)

It's Nice to Meet You 2011

I have long awaited the arrival of 2011 for many reasons. Although 2010 did bring some good things, those good things are in the background and the bad is in the forefront of my memory. I had a friend tell me that it will blow me away when I am no longer counting the days, but the years that separate Matt and I. I looked up the definition of grief once and the best description was "the intense pain and emotions of losing someone you love". I assure you that grief is more than intense pain, grief is indescribable, but coming from someone who has experience, I will sum it up with one sentence: It is the death of who you once were and the birth of who you will become. I describe it this way because grief is so deep and painful in every form and fashion that you could imagine that no one who experiences it could ever come out of it the same. It can make you stronger or it can destroy you....I'm pretty sure there is no in between.

Livin Life and Makin Choices

I've had alot on my mind these past few weeks and to be honest most everything on it was painful. It has been over 6 months since I lost my best friend and husband Matt and that was difficult to deal with. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Matt, but there is something about knowing I've lived six months without him that tears me up inside. As hard as it was, I have wonderful memories that flow through me that make me smile, laugh, and cry. I pray that I never forget these things and I believe that I never will. I think my precious memories are a gift from God, a gift that he will not take away from me. A gift that I will treasure all the days of my life. I've lost my focus over the last couple of months and I'm trying hard to regain it. Sometimes I forget that my reason for living is not about me, but merely I am a voice and a witness for Jesus.
Other unmentionable things occurred last week as well that left me confused and hurt by a friend. It's truly amazing how fast bad news can travel. When I say bad news, what I'm really saying is false information. For the first time in months, I allowed myself to trust and now that the trust is broken, I've put up a wall of protection again. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Regardless, I was having a conversation with some friends and we were talking about God's grace and ever so clear I heard God say to me, "I show you grace and compassion when you do not deserve it." That was Sunday, and Sunday I was so mad and hurt, so to hear God say that to me, I was like "Really God, Really? You want me to show grace and compassion to those who do not deserve it? After all this?" I was shocked and speechless. The mental debate I had with myself to believe it or not is almost comical now. The truth is, it doesn't matter what really happened or what was really said. When you choose to forgive someone, you either forgive them or you don't. There is no in between. I made the decision to show grace and compassion out of obedience to God before I ever heard my friend's side of the story. I chose to forgive.

At The End Of The Day...

Troy brought up a good question in church today. That question is: At the end of the day, is your life working for you? Sometimes it's hard to figure out what's working and what's not. I think we have to take inventory of our lives to see what we have too much of and what we don't have enough of. Determine what brings forth a happy healthy you and what tears you down. I love the scripture that was brought with this question.

Haggai 1: 6-7

6 You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."
7 This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.

I know I have felt this way as I think most all of us have. I know I should give more thought to my ways, but often choose to do what I think is best without considering God. My ways often take me down wrong or broken paths that are disguised early on as fun interesting way to go. The follow up verse is amazing and reassuring that God loves us and his path is the right way to go if only we will choose it.

Haggai 2:9

9 'The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty."

If Only For Today, I'm Thankful For The Taste

Praise be to God! I pray father that I will never forget May 11th for today you granted me the taste of happiness. I had forgotten what it was like and there is no reason behind it, I just am. I am happy and even if it goes away by tomorrow, I am thankful for a taste. I have hope in you God! I have happiness with YOU! "Do not be grieved for the joy of the Lord is your(MY)strength(Nehemiah 8:9)!"

Jesus, Son Of David, Have Mercy On Me!!

It's been over a month and I am pushing onward. I've been thinking alot about happiness and I've decided that happiness is a state of mind we can choose to be. I keep reminding myself that Matt would want me to be happy because he never liked for me to be sad or upset in any way. My God WANTS me to be happy. The reason I think happiness is a choice is because I know that right now if I choose to give into my sorrow, it could very well consume me. That doesn't mean I don't think people should grieve, because they should. Grieving and tears are a healthy and necessary means of healing, but too much of the same thing can cause the opposite effect. I often pray for God to give me strength and peace and to help me feel his love because I don't know what else to pray for. You see, sometimes I get so overwhelmed by memories and feelings that I literally cannot think. I try to think, but nothing comes. I try to make sentences, but I'm lucky to get two words that go together. I've decided that that is okay too. God knows my heart. He knows my pain. He knows that I love him. Paul Richardson said today, "when you don't know what to say, say this: Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me! over and over again.
When someone passes on to receive God's promised inheritance you can't help but to wonder what thats like, but the bible says that it is so wonderful that we can't even imagine it. So I challenge you to think of the most wonderful setting you can think of. The place you are the happiest and then say to yourself....God's promised inheritance for his children is SO SO much better than this. It is comforting to know that when Matt left this world he went to heaven to celebrate and worship with his Dad and Grandfather.
Some people say, "Don't be angry with God." Let me assure you, I AM NOT angry with God. In fact I have had some very real conversations with him that have reminded me how much he loves me. God did not ask my permission to bring Matt into this world. He did not ask me for permission to give Matt to me as a gift of love, and he did not need to ask my permission to take him home. God blesses us all with gifts in the form of people. Matt came as a gift in the form of: a friend, husband, encourager, son, brother, uncle, and many other forms. I encourage all of you to look at the people who surround your life and treat them, love them as God's precious loving gift to you.

Day By Day And With Each Passing Moment

Most people are asking how I'm doing and what they can do for me following the death of my husband. My answer is: I'm healing. With each day that passes by I can feel God's strength inside me. I can feel his love surrounding me each day. My emotions change each minute of the day, but I have a peace inside of me that can only have come from God above. I have days that are worse than others, I have moments that I feel like screaming and crying, and the best thing I know to do when I have these moments is to scream and cry. God is allowing me to grieve, but he is there holding me and I feel it. As for what I need, I need prayer by name. I need people to love me enough to pray aloud for me by name, to call on God to continue to bring his strength, peace, and love to me with each passing moment. I can tell you that I FEEL YOUR PRAYERS. I want to express my gratitude to each and everyone of you who have held me close in the last 2 weeks, I want to thank you for loving and praying for me each day, I want to ask you to please don't stop because your prayers are powerful and God hears them. Thank you to everyone again for all the things you have done for me. I will be forever great full.

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for! fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.

The Dump

First, let me say that the dump is not somewhere I normally go to buy furniture, but in this case it was the best place :) Just not the dump you're thinking of.

I have been hearing about The Dump for a couple of weeks, so when it opened I decided to go for a visit. They are only open Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, but this store is awesome!! They have all kinds of furniture, mattresses, and house accessories for next to nothing. If you get a chance check it out. They are located on Sydney Marcus in Buckhead. Really cool place!!

God Will Wipe Away Every Tear

The link below is one of my co-workers, who opens up on his thoughts of the Penske shooting and God.



http://www.impactatapostles.com/messages/Untitled/God%20Will%20Wipe%20Away%20Every%20Tear.mp3

Snow Day Feb 12/13, 2010

Although I am suffering from a very nasty cold...we took advantage of the Snow!! I named the smallest Snowman Rambo. Matt was a big help, because I couldn't stay outside for long. Hope everyone enjoyed their Valentine's Day!

GO COLTS!!!

The Beginning of 2010

This year has been full of joy and sadness already. This past June, Matt and I decided to schedule a cruise (a much needed vacation) to Mexico for January 16th - 21st. Little did I know, this vacation would not come at a more perfect time. On the Tuesday prior to our vacation I had to experience something I never thought I would. As many of you already know, a tragedy struck the company I work for. The day of and the days to follow were very trying, but I cannot express my gratitude enough for the number of people who called out of concern and the prayers that were prayed for the people involved directly and afar. I will always be amazed and in awe of the number of people who offered support to my co-workers in such a devastating time. I can honestly say without any doubt, that I work for one of the most family oriented companies around. God has shown himself to me through my work and the love of others. Although we live in a very scary world, there are still alot of loving and compassionate people out there.
Thank you father for everyone who has and continues to pray for us. I am so amazed by the love and support I have personaly received. I pray for your blessings on the families and friends who have lost someone they love and for the survivors and their families. I pray for healing physically and mentally. I thank you father for your love.

Our cruise started off on the wrong foot. We were suppose to leave on the 16th. We could begin boarding at 12:30pm and set sail at 4pm. However, we ended up boarding at 1am and sailing at 3am on the 17th. Why? you may ask...well according to the lady who hosted us at the Mobile, AL Civic Center for 12 hours...the weather is really bad and it is too foggy for the ship to pull into the harbor. I think the truth is that the weather was partially responsible, but the huge naval vessel in the harbor that is 2nd in it's class being christened carried the majority of the delay ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Independence_(LCS-2) . So after finally being boarded we went to bed. The next day we awoke to the sea rearing its ugly head. I was so..so.. sick. At about 2pm, I had to get a shot in the butt to stop the vomiting. For all of you who are saying, "you should have taken Dramamine" let me make it very clear that I took 1 tablet at 9am on the 16th and again when I woke up on the 17th (around 8am). IT DID NOT WORK! The weather was so bad that even the crew members were down getting shots! The good news is that when we woke up the next morning, the weather was absolutely beautiful! SUNNY AND WARM! The rest of the trip was spectacular. We had so much fun, and even the sea sickness was worth it. I am ready for another vacation already :)

Today is Matt's 31st Birthday, so I'd like to wish him a very, very HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I LOVE YOU HONEY (no matter how old you get)!!

Timothy's Burden

I found the lyrics to this song in some of my things from the past. I love songs that have alot of meaning behind them.

Timothy's Burden
By: The Martins

Bringing my boots and my overcoat
Winter's not far down the road
These days grow short
And the truth won't let me go

Chorus:
I'm taking on Timothy's burden
Not ashamed to wear these chains
If I suffer things I'm certain
Gonna count my loss for gain
I'm taking on Timothy's burden
Oh yes I am, I'm taking on Timothy's burden

The grit of these burdens beyond my heart
And the voice of a true faithful friend
Are pulling me back to my first love again

I'm taking on Timothy's burden
Set free to run this race
Gonna bear God's testimony
I'm a prisoner of his grace
I'm taking on Timothy's burden
I've got the truth inside
Though I suffer things I'm certain
Keep the faith to fight the fight
I'm taking on Timothy's burden
Oh yes I am, I'm taking on Timothy's burden
I'll keep the faith and I'll fight the fight
Here's my life
I'm taking on Timothy's burden
I'm taking on Timothy's burden
I'm taking on, I'm taking on, I'm taking on Timothy's burden
I'm taking on, I'm taking on, I'm taking on Timothy's burden

I'm taking on Timothy's burden
Set free to run this race
And I bear God's testimony
I'm a prisoner of his grace
I'm taking on Timothy's burden
I've got the truth inside
Though I suffer things I'm certaing
I'll keep the faith to fight the fight

I'm taking on Timothy's burden
Oh yes I am, I'm taking on Timothy's burden
I'm taking on Timothy's burden

A New House

Matt and I have finally found furniture for our house. This is a great accomplishment considering we have been in countless furniture stores over the last several months. I love the "new do". In addition to the furniture, we had the kitchen tiled. We also did an upgrade by having new windows installed and what a difference this has made. Oh, and I stained the staircase. I feel like I am living in a new house. These things have definitely tapped our budget, so we will probably not make any new changes anytime soon. On our list of things to do to the house are: new cabinets for the kitchen (or update existing ones), new kitchen counter tops, add an addition to the house with master bath and bathroom, remodel existing bathroom, landscape by adding privacy all around the perimeter, and this is just the beginning. We have a long way to go, but the house is completely different from the time Matt bought it until now. Some things that we have already done to the house are: new roof, central heat and air, landscaping, Aquaguard the basement, paint, tear out all carpet and refinish hardwoods, lighting, electrical upgrade, new storm doors, and plumbing upgrade.

Matt's landscaping is still going well, Lucy is great, and I am still at Penske. We are still at West Ridge Church, although we are planning a trip to First Baptist Atlanta tomorrow. I have always wanted to go hear Charles Stanley, so I am super excited. We are planning a trip to see my parents within the next few weeks so I am excited about that as well. My dad just had a birthday and my mom's is right around the corner. I miss Hazlehurst, well at least the people of Hazlehurst.

All it took was a Birthday

Today is my grandfather's birthday...72 years old (Grandfather M.)! I have had 25 wonderful years with my grandfather and I hope many many more to come. The odd thing: today is also my other grandfather's birthday as well (in heaven) Grandfather K. I can hardly believe how fast time flies. I can remember Grandfather K. standing at the end of a tobacco row with a soda and candy in his hands for us. He use to take my sister and I to his house to spend time with he and my grandmother. He always made sure we brought our Barbies with us. It seems just like yesterday I was playing with my cousins in the sandpit outside of my great grandparents home. Yes, this is the home that my 72 year old grandfather grew up in. Wow, how things have changed since then. I couldn't help but tear up just a bit when thinking back on all the years I have spent with my family. When I think about my life, everyone that has made a huge impact on me and how I was raised is apart of my family. Each one of my family members have done so much for me over the years and all I can think is "how truly blessed I am to have such a loving family". I know that neither of my grandfather's were perfect and at times I probably thought they were hard on me, but I am so thankful for that. They both are wonderful wonderful men who married and raised families. These two men raised my mom and dad. These two men are and will always be 2 of the most important men of my life. A flood of memories come to me even now that I am writing, and oh how precious these memories are.

Where Did The Time Go

So my trip to PA was wonderful. The only thing that I had a little problem with was the rocking of the plane when landing. I get motion sickness very easily and this little rocking mixed with air pressure change led to a very light headed Candy. Good news is, I didn't get sick and the light headedness went away quickly. The training was very good and I got to meet a lot of wonderful people. I certainly got the full taste of flying when I spent 7 hours total trying to get back to Atl. BTW 1st class is great :) So while I was there one of my coworkers recommended the book "My Sisters Keeper". I picked it up at the Wally World in PA and started reading it about a 2 wks. ago. It was great. A real tissue type of book, but great. For everyone that likes a little fore warning, there is a good deal of swearing.
I am super excited because I am headed to St. Simons for a little vacation. We will not be gone long, but any relaxing time is good with me, especially when I can feel sand between my toes and see waves rolling in.

And Away I Go

Coming Up: I am very excited as my work trip approaches. I expect to have a lot of fun. Cool thing is I will be flying 1st class on the way up. I thought maybe I should dress up a bit for 1st class but because I have never flown before, I am just not sure.

Recently Happened: Over the weekend, I went to visit my parents which was great. They provided me with 109 lbs of beef :) How exciting is that!!! Also, while I was there one of the smallest cows we have went into labor, so now we have a new baby.
Matt and I celebrated our 3rd Anniversary, I got him a card and he got me beautiful flowers.

Present Tense: I have been trying to get myself more motivated about serving Christ and studying the Bible, but I just have a very dry spell going on. I have felt dry for a couple of months with no real reason why. I have recently started to read "Escape the Coming Night" by Dr. David Jeremiah which is great. I have actually completed the study before, but it has been a couple of years. I remembered how much I enjoyed it so I'm using it as an attempt to get back in the groove of things.

Currently On My Mind: I guess because it has been so hot over the last couple of days, I can't help but notice how much I HATE living six hours from a real body of water. I grew up just 2 hours from the coast. I really miss water and I miss the snail pace of the town I grew up in. Some days all I think about is moving back, but that's just not realistic right now. My most prized possession is my husband who runs a business here. Most days living here isn't that bad..but I do get tired of the "Rat Race" (this is what my grandfather calls it). Matt and I have talked about moving closer to my family and the ocean one day...so I guess I just can't wait for that day to get here.

So....

Matt bought us tickets to the Viva La Vida Coldplay concert down at Lakewood. It was awesome!!! We had so much fun. Tomorrow is our 3 year anniversary which is great because every anniversary we meet means that we are not just another statistic. I have a great husband and I could not ask for more. "Honey, I know u'll read this...I LOVE U and thanks for another wonderful year!"

I will be leaving for a couple of days for work. I am flying to PA and yes..it's my first time on a plane. I know, I know but if you think about it most people fly to see family or to go on vacation, but guess what people...my family lives in GA and I grew up near the beach. Is that explanation enough? I am excited to go...I'll be flying with another lady in the company so I won't be flying alone..but I've never met her, so it will still be a new experience.

Well, it's about time to say goodbye to LC and the Hills crew...I'm so sad :( I'm going to miss my Monday night episodes! Sunday is the forever goodbye finale. Good news is that The Deadliest Catch is only half way through the season... And yes I wanted JT to win Survivor:)