After The Storm....

It's been ten months today. I am still amazed by the peace and love that Christ is granting me. I have met so many people over the last several months that have lost their spouse too and if not a spouse, someone they loved dearly. Although I would not wish this upon anyone, it is good that I have met people who understand me and I them. I never really knew pain before last March. At least not this kind of pain. I still have my ups and downs, but I find myself smiling more than crying. Someone once described the experience of death like the waves of the ocean. I would agree. This is what my ocean looks like:

In the beginning it was a hurricane and I constantly took one beating wave after the next. I grasped for air in between each wave, but they were so close together I was barely surviving. I wondered how long I could put up this fight. I had never been so tired before in all my life. The hurricane subsided, but the waves were still raging. I was grasping more air, but my body was tired of fighting. I wondered if the storm would ever calm and how long it would take. The storm is calming, but I can see dark clouds moving in and another bad storm is on the way (anniversary, holidays, birthday). I can see it coming so I must prepare. It wasn't as bad as I expected, I cleared that wave only to be knocked down the next day by the one I didn't see coming (a song on the radio, your name on a piece of mail, the message someone left for you). The storms are growing further and further apart and a big wave still hits me every now and then, but I am learning how to ride it out and eventually I will make it to shore. I will look back at the ocean that gave me the beating of my life only to see the most beautiful sunset that could ever exist.

I know God has great plans for me. My God was with me then, my God is with me now, my God is with me always :)

It's Nice to Meet You 2011

I have long awaited the arrival of 2011 for many reasons. Although 2010 did bring some good things, those good things are in the background and the bad is in the forefront of my memory. I had a friend tell me that it will blow me away when I am no longer counting the days, but the years that separate Matt and I. I looked up the definition of grief once and the best description was "the intense pain and emotions of losing someone you love". I assure you that grief is more than intense pain, grief is indescribable, but coming from someone who has experience, I will sum it up with one sentence: It is the death of who you once were and the birth of who you will become. I describe it this way because grief is so deep and painful in every form and fashion that you could imagine that no one who experiences it could ever come out of it the same. It can make you stronger or it can destroy you....I'm pretty sure there is no in between.

Livin Life and Makin Choices

I've had alot on my mind these past few weeks and to be honest most everything on it was painful. It has been over 6 months since I lost my best friend and husband Matt and that was difficult to deal with. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Matt, but there is something about knowing I've lived six months without him that tears me up inside. As hard as it was, I have wonderful memories that flow through me that make me smile, laugh, and cry. I pray that I never forget these things and I believe that I never will. I think my precious memories are a gift from God, a gift that he will not take away from me. A gift that I will treasure all the days of my life. I've lost my focus over the last couple of months and I'm trying hard to regain it. Sometimes I forget that my reason for living is not about me, but merely I am a voice and a witness for Jesus.
Other unmentionable things occurred last week as well that left me confused and hurt by a friend. It's truly amazing how fast bad news can travel. When I say bad news, what I'm really saying is false information. For the first time in months, I allowed myself to trust and now that the trust is broken, I've put up a wall of protection again. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Regardless, I was having a conversation with some friends and we were talking about God's grace and ever so clear I heard God say to me, "I show you grace and compassion when you do not deserve it." That was Sunday, and Sunday I was so mad and hurt, so to hear God say that to me, I was like "Really God, Really? You want me to show grace and compassion to those who do not deserve it? After all this?" I was shocked and speechless. The mental debate I had with myself to believe it or not is almost comical now. The truth is, it doesn't matter what really happened or what was really said. When you choose to forgive someone, you either forgive them or you don't. There is no in between. I made the decision to show grace and compassion out of obedience to God before I ever heard my friend's side of the story. I chose to forgive.

At The End Of The Day...

Troy brought up a good question in church today. That question is: At the end of the day, is your life working for you? Sometimes it's hard to figure out what's working and what's not. I think we have to take inventory of our lives to see what we have too much of and what we don't have enough of. Determine what brings forth a happy healthy you and what tears you down. I love the scripture that was brought with this question.

Haggai 1: 6-7

6 You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."
7 This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.

I know I have felt this way as I think most all of us have. I know I should give more thought to my ways, but often choose to do what I think is best without considering God. My ways often take me down wrong or broken paths that are disguised early on as fun interesting way to go. The follow up verse is amazing and reassuring that God loves us and his path is the right way to go if only we will choose it.

Haggai 2:9

9 'The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty."

If Only For Today, I'm Thankful For The Taste

Praise be to God! I pray father that I will never forget May 11th for today you granted me the taste of happiness. I had forgotten what it was like and there is no reason behind it, I just am. I am happy and even if it goes away by tomorrow, I am thankful for a taste. I have hope in you God! I have happiness with YOU! "Do not be grieved for the joy of the Lord is your(MY)strength(Nehemiah 8:9)!"